The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
