I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
