Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
