i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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