There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
