I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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