Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
