meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
