Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
