I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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