I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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