someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
