maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
