your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
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