I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
