just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
