Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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