You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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