me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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