my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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