I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
