Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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