did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
