I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
