the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
