I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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