I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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