He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
