dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
