My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
