i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
