when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
