1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
