i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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