She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
