Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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