This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
