God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
