I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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