just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
