If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
