I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
