I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
