She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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