I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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