i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
