Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
