fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
