Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
