I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
